it's been a week since i last updated, well i think the last entry cannot be counted as a post. my usual one-liners which i pull.
i think quite a bit has happened again. i'm sick of drama and i never did like it but somehow there always is. it's either drama in my life, or drama around me. there was never like even a hiatus from it. normally it will go away quickly, but somehow i feel this time it'll stay for pretty long. and also as always, the drama that happens with me is caused by me and to put it simply, i take the plunge that will bring me down.
just when i was "recovering" from the whole goddamn long andrew episode which wasn't easy at all for me. i thought i was doing very well, getting along fine and just putting everything back in place of how my life should be. and then sometimes i stop to think that why didnt i do this earlier it would have been so much better for me. but i guess i was too scared and i didnt want to lose him because he was indeed a very big part of my life and in a way i was very dependent on him. but i finally did it - got away from him and broke all contact with him. i do think about him and miss him at times definitely, life felt so different but it's really all in the mind, to make that decision and stick with it. not to be weak and come crumbling down, you know that sort of thing? i guess he's happy and contented now with his life too, so it works out for the both of us.
but the point here is that just when that whole emotional episode was over, something happened recently which again leaves me feeling all.. i don't know. lost? and the more i think about it the harder it is for me. everything just went so damn fast i didnt even stop to think if what i was doing is right. and it certainly isnt. and ever since my mind's been quite full. i want to forget it, i want to forget him because i know i cannot and shouldnt be doing this. but it's really so damn fucking hard. everything is one big complicated mess now. as usual i got myself into this and i have to get out of it. S said why am i the one saying sorry. and it's true! why didnt he even say that he was sorry. i mean although we both had a part to play, but in a way he played the bigger part so he should be the one apologising profusely isnt it? to put it simply, now it's difficult to just get him out of my head and it's so ridiculous because i didnt even like him at all before all this happened. WHY and HOW can i like him when his circumstances were just.......... a no-entry zone. okay i need to get a grip of myself. it was certainly too impulsive. and im suffering from the consequences now. i have to learn............... how to be a better person. to have more self-control. and to just forget. get along with life. i managed to move on from the emo andrew episode, i should be able to move on from this too. ughhhhh why did i even get myself into this messssss
now the 2 closest people around me are also indulging in some drama in their life. sigh guys we should find better things to do then
S: going on wild goose chases to dover
M: bothering and entertaining a psychotic screwed up asshole (sorry im just very angry)
note to self: restraint